excerpt from article in the magazine

“You ruined my big evening!”

“You are a terrible mother!”

“You were not there for me enough during my divorce!”

Blame . . . Judgment . . . Condemnation. Such accusations have been hurled at me several times in my life now. Each time, it was a close, personal, woman friend telephoned me to express how horrible I was as a person, a mom, or a friend. During each surreal call, I was surprised my friend assumed such freedom to hurt me, and stunned that I was somehow open to receive the other woman’s fury. The episodes were devastating, and always ended the relationship. When I mention these bashings to other women, they tell me they, too, have been bashed. It appears quite common that female friends annihilate one another with cruel words.

About five years ago, a frequent greeting among high school girls was, ”Hi, bitch.” This word became a term of endearment for our Generation Y. But doesn’t the word have an edge to it, like a warning? Is it used to keep a distance between or control over friends? Or if it is used in jest, what is the joke implied? Walking in the mall, my pretty fourteen-year-old daughter was confronted with quick, passing remarks such as “bitch” and “slut” from other teenage girls she didn’t know. These were definitely not terms of endearment; they were meant to sting. I belong to the Baby Boomer Generation and one very busy night, thirty years ago working at a restaurant, I had to work as cashier, waitress, dishwasher, and bus person. The line was long at the cash register and I was counting change as fast as I could, when the next customer handed me her money and spat out, “Bitch,” in my face. I melted in confusion, discouragement and shame. I believe these terms still carry such hurtful weight.

“Fat ass,” said a passing boy to our tour guide at a high school open house. I turned around to see the boy snickering, accompanied by two girls.

“How can you allow him to say something that rude to another woman right in front of you?” I said to the girls. “Doesn’t that mean he has no respect for you as women?”